The Master of my faith...

I have an autoimmune disease. Last year, in an attempt to figure out why we couldn't get it to go back into remission, we saw a specialist. Little did we know the medical adventure we had just begun.

In all honesty, it's a long story. Bottom line is, through a series of seemingly unconnected events, tests, imaging, attempted and aborted surgery, and many - many - many appointments with different doctors, we've discovered some unforeseen issues affecting my health. These issues are things we only found because I was having tests for something else entirely. Who woulda thunk?

This past Friday, Kevin and I went up to the University of Utah to see yet another specialist. We left the office with a plan, but not the one we went for in the first place. And again, the need for yet another visit with yet another specialist. 

We've been at this for going on a year, now. You'd think we'd be scared, or frustrated, or discouraged, or some other negative emotion. That's the interesting thing to me - we're none of those things.

Sometime in this long, drawn-out process, I've had an epiphany... when you put yourself in Heavenly Father's hands, He will use life's ups and downs to make so much more of you than you could make of yourself. This series of events is no different.

Looking back over the last year of tests and doctors, I can see how one test or diagnosis led to another. One seemingly unrelated issue led to discovering others. I can see Father's hand in this journey. I feel as if He's leading me to a healthier me - physically. Spiritually, I feel Him teaching me, shaping me, and refining my spirit.

There's still a lot going on and right now I'm not getting better physically. We have a lot of unanswered questions about what's happening with my health. I'm still not able to do all that I want to. But I have seen SO many angels helping - from BOTH sides of the veil..,. most especially, my sweetheart, Kevin. And I have literally felt the prayers that have been offered up in my behalf...I have felt them lifting my spirit and warming my heart.

I have said many times that God is in the details of the details of the details of our lives. He knows what we need, and many times even before we think to ask, He is answering our prayers. I know that He who healed the sick, gave sight to the blind, made lame beggars walk and raised the dead; could heal me. I know He knows what's wrong with me and how to fix it. I have SUCH faith that He could....if....  But if not, I hope I have faith NOT to be healed. Faith to live as He would have me live if my physical impairments continue instead of getting better. I hope I have faith to say as He did "...nevertheless not as I will but as thou wilt..." 

Because here is one thing I know without question: Heavenly Father has a plan for me. He knows my potential and what I can become. I want THAT!!!  I want to be what He wants me to be because I know that will be the very best version of me. I don't always have to know why things happen the way they do - but I know - absolutely, that He does - and I trust Him - absolutely.

So, wherever this health-adventure takes us, I know we'll be ok because the Captain of our life's ship commands the winds and the waves. He can calm the troubled seas in my life, and in case I start sinking He also walks on water. 

I'll keep you all posted as to when and if we find answers... In the meantime I'll leave you with these words of the Master of our ship: "These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." *John 16:33*

Fitness...Faith...and Father...

Over the years, I've struggled with my weight. Part of it is genetic, part of it is medical, and part of it has been a lack of control over my appetite and food choices. Four years ago, I began a journey to become physically healthy, fit, and strong. It hasn't been an easy road to follow. For one thing, at times it seemed as if my own body was trying to sabotage my efforts.

Every time I would make progress, I got sick (sarcoidosis for one, meningitis to mention another) OR I would get injured (torn/detached rotator-cuff that required surgery, plantar-fasciitis which required weeks of physical therapy, and repeated painful bouts of gout among other things)...see what I mean? It became very discouraging.

Then there was life itself...graduations, weddings, trips, trauma, drama, and upheaval...all seemed determined to keep me at my unwanted weight and physical condition. It was at times overwhelming and I wanted to quit! I can hear my Dad's voice in my head..."I didn't raise a quitter!"  And he would be right, he didn't!

This is where Father comes into play...Heavenly Father, that is. Because I didn't embark on this journey alone. From the very beginning, three very important men were there every step of the way. Kevin, who is on his own physical fitness journey and succeeding beautifully; encourages me daily, and celebrates my smallest success.  Jerry Shannon, who is our personal trainer and nutritionist - our loudest cheerleader - and a firm believer in our ability to succeed. Finally, but certainly NOT least of all; is our Heavenly Father. I entered into this journey with prayer. I can honestly say that I've prayed every step of the way.

It may sound odd to make this physical transformation into a spiritual journey as well, but I firmly believe that Heavenly Father wants me to be my very best self - in every way possible. For one thing, how can I go out and serve Him if I'm not physically able to do so?  I believe that Father is willing to help us as much as we need, if we will let Him in enough. I don't believe there is any aspect of our lives that is too small or seemingly insignificant not to warrant His attention and help - again, if WE let Him in. That being said, I'm NOT saying that we give up and expect Him to do everything for us. I mean, He's not going to wave a heavenly-wand and make me look like a super-model. lol  I believe we need to include Him in our efforts. I believe that if we go out and do our best, we can and should be able to turn to Him and allow Him to help with the rest.

Today, would be a good example of this. I woke up with a nasty headache. You know, the kind that makes you want to crawl back into bed and not get out again? Unfortunately, I had people depending on me for transportation today, so staying in bed was out of the question. Still, having a headache of those proportions really made me NOT want to go to the gym. I managed to whine and talk my way out of it until 2:00 pm. Missing ONE day wouldn't hurt, would it????  Except that I've set a personal goal to make it everyday - and have been determined to stick to my exercise and meal-plan - and I get measured and weighed on Friday, and I'd REALLY like to see improvement....other than that, no big deal! lol

All day long, excuses and whining kept me out of the gym. Until I finally realized that my will-power wasn't going to be enough on its own and I sent up a plea to Heaven, for help. After my last transportation duty for the afternoon, I aimed the car up the hill to the gym. I dragged myself - mentally kicking and screaming (gee, wish THAT energy would have leaked into my will-power to get me there earlier...ha ha) onto the treadmill, and got started. About 10 minutes in, my back hurt, my legs hurt, and my lungs were protesting. I prayed that I'd be able to keep going...Time to increase my speed...20 minutes into my cardio, I was sure I was going to die...no drama here! Still praying, I increased the incline and kept moving... Finally, the timer rolled over to 30 minutes and I was done!!!

I can honestly say that I felt Heaven's help getting through this today! It may seem like a trivial thing, but it's vital to me that I achieve my health and fitness goals, so I believe it's important to Him. I have faith that if I do my part, He will help me when I can't do it on my own.

In a talk entitled "Fourth Floor, Last Door", in the last General Women's Conference, President Deiter F. Uchtdorf said:

"Faith means that we trust not only in God's wisdom but that we trust also in His love. It means trusting that God loves us perfectly, that everything He does - every blessing He gives and every blessing He, for a time, withholds - is for our eternal happiness. With this kind of faith though we may not understand why certain things happen or why certain prayers go unanswered, we can know that in the end everything will make sense. 'All things (will) work together for good to them that love God'.

All will be made right. All will be well.

We can be certain that answers will come, and we may be confident that we will not only be content with the answers but we will be overwhelmed by the grace, mercy, generosity, and love of our Heavenly Father for us, His children."

I don't always understand why things happen the way they do, or why some things have to be so hard. However, I do know that I have a loving Father-in-Heaven who wants me to be happy and wants me to succeed. Knowing that - absolutely, without a doubt - gives me the faith to turn to Him and trust Him to help me. When this weight-loss/fitness journey is complete, my faith will be bigger, but the rest of me will be smaller. I call that a win, whichever way you look at it. At that point, climbing to the "Fourth floor, last door" will be easy as pie!!! lol

It's for me!

I've had some interesting experiences, thoughts, feelings, etc. about my fitness goals and progress, lately. 

Yesterday was measuring day at the gym. My trainer, Jerry Shannon, was SO proud of my progress. Especially after my diagnosis with Sarcoidosis has kept me from doing as much as I have wanted. The numbers for this measuring day were up six pounds of muscle and down 9.2 pounds of fat! I was SO excited!  I've been at this for two years. For the first year and a half, the scale didn't move...I mean, AT ALL!!!  That was because I was losing and gaining equal amounts of fat and muscle. From the beginning, Jerry has said, "The scale is NOT your friend!" He was right.  It took a lot of mental gymnastics to keep myself from getting discouraged when the scale wouldn't move.

In the last six months however, the scale has been starting a downward slide that makes me really happy. I'm losing more and more fat as I gain muscle. Gaining more muscle actually helps you burn fat - go figure. lol

Today something wonderful happened at the gym AGAIN!!  This time, I was on my own, doing my leg-workout. OUCH!!! By the way...it really hurts! But it's a GOOD hurt, lol. Two women whom I have seen at the gym since I've been there, but not really gotten to know; came up to talk to me. They said they've been watching my progress and really noticed a difference when I came in today. They complimented me on how much better I looked and encouraged me to keep it up. They certainly gave my morning a lift!

On the flip side of this, there have been people in my life who have doubted my resilience and determination. They've said hurtful things and told me that when I talk/post/blog about this, it's a little annoying. While such comments hurt my feelings, they don't deter me from my goals, thank goodness.

I am not one who seeks the spotlight. I am - or have been - very shy throughout my life. Kevin has helped me overcome that a bit. But on my own, I am a sit-at-the-back-of-class-and-don't-speak-up kind of person.  I felt a little awkward when these two wonderful ladies talked to me, today - even as I felt lifted by their encouragement. As I went through the rest of my time at the gym, I had some thoughts about all this.

Over the years, as I've fought my weight issues, I've tried SO many different things....for a myriad of reasons. To get my mom off my back, to try and get pregnant, to please Kevin, to avoid health issues, etc.  This time, I am doing this for me. The nutrition-program that Jerry devised coupled with the exercise routine that is tailored for me combine in a complete wellness program that has me feeling better, stronger and more energized than I have in my entire life!!!! Even If I never lost another inch, I wouldn't stop doing this - because it WORKS and because I feel GREAT!!! 

As I thought of all of this, along with my discomfort from getting attention; another thought occurred to me. I would stand on a stage in front of any number of people and tell my story - in the spotlight, so to speak - if it meant that I could help even one other person find what I've found and feel as much better as I do!  This process has given me hope. Because I've learned to do hard things (including this), I'm finding that I have the courage to try new things. My entire life is changing because I'm learning to believe in myself and have the courage to spread my wings.

So let the doubters doubt and the haters hate (as my son-in-law said to me the other day). This bird is gonna fly! ...And if along the way I can inspire or encourage others in their flight, I'm more than happy to do it!

Thanks to all who have encouraged, supported, and cheered me on! You're helping more than you know!

Tender mercies

...Update...

The surgery went well.  I got the absolute BEST care. Everyone was very kind.  Great news is that the surgeon could tell from the preliminary examination of the tumors that they're benign!  NO CANCER!!  

Now we just have to wait for the in-depth tests to tell us what they are, why they're growing, and how to fix them so I can breathe.  Still this was a great first step and AWESOME news.

Today I am sore, tired, and REALLY swollen.  My ice-pack is my new best friend!!! lol

Thank you all for your love, support, and prayers.  I have no words for how very much they help me.  God bless you all!

Here we go again...

So, today's the day...wow!  So many mixed emotions.  I am anxious to get this done and FINALLY get some answers.  Being sick for almost three months and not knowing why has been frustrating.  I am a little nervous about having this biopsy done.  The tumors are in an area of my lungs - pretty close to my heart, so there are concerns.  I am also a little anxious about what the results of this biopsy will be...

Ok, anxious - yes...fearful - NO!!!  I have received Priesthood blessings that reassure me that I will be alright.  However, from past experience, I've learned that "all right" does not mean without challenges.  All that being said, I know that with the my Heavenly Father watching over me, and the love and prayers of my friends and family, I can overcome any challenge.  I have faith in that!

Last night as I was getting ready for bed, I had my "Pandora" internet radio set to my "Sunday Music" station.  The last song I heard was Hilary Weeks "He Is" - which is about all the things our Savior, Jesus Christ is.  One line reads:  "He is a long deep breath at the end of the day".  Somehow that seemed profoundly significant.  He is...and with Him I KNOW I will be fine.

Love to all of you!  See you when we're done!

Netty

"All I need is the air that I breathe..."

I flunked breathing yesterday.  It was sad, really.  I've only ever received one "F" in my life, and that was college Algebra.  I've been breathing all my life, you'd think I'd have it down by now...but, NO not me. 

I've been sick off and on for two and a half months. Low-grade fever, intestinal issues, and now a cough. The doctors have run tests - tests - and more tests...did I mention tests??? I feel like a lab-rat.  

I have an awesome doctor, who had his nurse call me just to see how I was doing after all my tests.  When he found out that my cough was worse and I was sounding like "Wheezy-the-8th-Dwarf", he had me come in to see him. That's when I flunked breathing. *sigh*  He was very kind and helped me not feel badly about failing that test, but geez...something as fundamental as breathing??? Give me a break.

All kidding aside.  Some of the tests have revealed tumors growing in my lungs.  We don't know what they are, yet, but they're there and causing me some difficulty.  I have a consultation with a surgeon later today to see how they'll do a biopsy so we can learn more. Keeping our fingers crossed.

I've had my share of health issues throughout my life. I am learning to cope with them more calmly each time something new arises.  I have amazing family and friends who give me courage, love, support and prayers. Honestly, I can actually FEEL their prayers - and they really help.  I have the best husband in the world...I know there are women out there who would disagree, but Kevin is - hands-down - the best there is.  He's my rock.

Mostly, I have my faith.  I know - absolutely that God is with me.  He knows me by name and loves me without limits.  That knowledge is a gift and brings me more peace than anything else.  Knowing that I can turn to my Father-in-Heaven in prayer and He will hear and answer me is the greatest comfort in my life. The Prophet Joseph Smith said:   "Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for His arm to be revealed."

I know that I need to do everything I can or "all things that lie in my power" to get better.  But I also know that where my efforts fall short, I can trust my Heavenly Father to make up the difference - and He will!

The Book of Mormon tells of a people who were being severely persecuted.  Their only recourse was to turn to Heavenly Father in prayer.  He heard them and helped them:  "Yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord." *Mosiah 24:15*  

I know that the challenges we encounter in our lives are for us to learn and grow and develop into the sons and daughters of God that Heavenly Father wants us to be.  This health issue is another of those challenges.  He doesn't always remove the challenge when we ask, but sometimes eases the burden and helps us carry the load.

Health-wise, things in my life are a little uncertain. Still, I know that with faith, the universe will unfold as it should (to quote Mr. Spock).  In the meantime, life goes on and so will I.  

We'll be sure to keep y'all posted as we learn more. Keep the love and prayers coming.  They certainly help!