Confidence...

 Years ago, Kevin and I were blessed to have a sweet, humble, loving home teacher named Jaime Jennings. During one visit, Brother Jennings said something that completely changed our lives. 

At this particular time, things in our extended family were in a little bit of chaos. We had family members going through some serious trials that were SO difficult. In addition to these, Kevin was just recovering from a systemic infection that had taken weeks to get over. Dear Brother Jennings asked how we were doing, and Kevin just unloaded all over him with the issues facing us and our loved ones. After the diatribe was over, Brother Jennings asked if he could offer a prayer for us. In this prayer, Brother Jennings said, "Dear Heavenly Father, we thank Thee that Thou hast trusted the Websters with these challenges..."

  

Wait! What?!?!?! That idea that Father was TRUSTING us with these trials just stopped us in our tracks! We knew that the difficult circumstances we encountered in our lives were learning experiences whose lessons could shape and refine us. But the idea that Heavenly Father was entrusting us with these experiences because He knew that we were ready to learn what He had to teach us, put us in partnership with God... It changed everything about how we approach trials in our lives.

  

Fast forward to now and we're facing a different set of challenges. My ongoing health issues are a trial with seemingly no end in sight. It is hard, exhausting, and often heart-breaking. Still, we know without a doubt that Heavenly Father has a plan for us and we are trusting Him to help us navigate our way through this.

Our Savior knows that life is hard. He knows exactly what we are each enduring in our lives because He lived it in our behalf during His great Atoning Sacrifice. More than anyone else in our lives, Jesus Christ "gets it"!!! Elder Dale G. Renlund of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said: "Jesus loves you, and He has confidence in you, and you can have confidence in Him." When I recently read that quote, it took me right back to dear Brother Jennings and his life-changing prayer. If Heavenly Father is trusting us with the challenges we face in life, of COURSE Jesus has confidence in us. Since He endured all the challenges we face in life, and knows perfectly how to help us navigate through them - then of COURSE we can have confidence in Him!

 

All of these thoughts have brought me so much comfort and peace. Maybe it's that misery does indeed love company, but it helps to know that we're not in this alone. Our loving Heavenly Father and our Savior, Jesus Christ are walking with us, every step of the way. With such a celestial support-system, how can we not have the courage to walk the path they've set before us with faith and confidence in Them; in every footstep?

The Master of my faith...

I have an autoimmune disease. Last year, in an attempt to figure out why we couldn't get it to go back into remission, we saw a specialist. Little did we know the medical adventure we had just begun.

In all honesty, it's a long story. Bottom line is, through a series of seemingly unconnected events, tests, imaging, attempted and aborted surgery, and many - many - many appointments with different doctors, we've discovered some unforeseen issues affecting my health. These issues are things we only found because I was having tests for something else entirely. Who woulda thunk?

This past Friday, Kevin and I went up to the University of Utah to see yet another specialist. We left the office with a plan, but not the one we went for in the first place. And again, the need for yet another visit with yet another specialist. 

We've been at this for going on a year, now. You'd think we'd be scared, or frustrated, or discouraged, or some other negative emotion. That's the interesting thing to me - we're none of those things.

Sometime in this long, drawn-out process, I've had an epiphany... when you put yourself in Heavenly Father's hands, He will use life's ups and downs to make so much more of you than you could make of yourself. This series of events is no different.

Looking back over the last year of tests and doctors, I can see how one test or diagnosis led to another. One seemingly unrelated issue led to discovering others. I can see Father's hand in this journey. I feel as if He's leading me to a healthier me - physically. Spiritually, I feel Him teaching me, shaping me, and refining my spirit.

There's still a lot going on and right now I'm not getting better physically. We have a lot of unanswered questions about what's happening with my health. I'm still not able to do all that I want to. But I have seen SO many angels helping - from BOTH sides of the veil..,. most especially, my sweetheart, Kevin. And I have literally felt the prayers that have been offered up in my behalf...I have felt them lifting my spirit and warming my heart.

I have said many times that God is in the details of the details of the details of our lives. He knows what we need, and many times even before we think to ask, He is answering our prayers. I know that He who healed the sick, gave sight to the blind, made lame beggars walk and raised the dead; could heal me. I know He knows what's wrong with me and how to fix it. I have SUCH faith that He could....if....  But if not, I hope I have faith NOT to be healed. Faith to live as He would have me live if my physical impairments continue instead of getting better. I hope I have faith to say as He did "...nevertheless not as I will but as thou wilt..." 

Because here is one thing I know without question: Heavenly Father has a plan for me. He knows my potential and what I can become. I want THAT!!!  I want to be what He wants me to be because I know that will be the very best version of me. I don't always have to know why things happen the way they do - but I know - absolutely, that He does - and I trust Him - absolutely.

So, wherever this health-adventure takes us, I know we'll be ok because the Captain of our life's ship commands the winds and the waves. He can calm the troubled seas in my life, and in case I start sinking He also walks on water. 

I'll keep you all posted as to when and if we find answers... In the meantime I'll leave you with these words of the Master of our ship: "These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." *John 16:33*

"All I need is the air that I breathe..."

I flunked breathing yesterday.  It was sad, really.  I've only ever received one "F" in my life, and that was college Algebra.  I've been breathing all my life, you'd think I'd have it down by now...but, NO not me. 

I've been sick off and on for two and a half months. Low-grade fever, intestinal issues, and now a cough. The doctors have run tests - tests - and more tests...did I mention tests??? I feel like a lab-rat.  

I have an awesome doctor, who had his nurse call me just to see how I was doing after all my tests.  When he found out that my cough was worse and I was sounding like "Wheezy-the-8th-Dwarf", he had me come in to see him. That's when I flunked breathing. *sigh*  He was very kind and helped me not feel badly about failing that test, but geez...something as fundamental as breathing??? Give me a break.

All kidding aside.  Some of the tests have revealed tumors growing in my lungs.  We don't know what they are, yet, but they're there and causing me some difficulty.  I have a consultation with a surgeon later today to see how they'll do a biopsy so we can learn more. Keeping our fingers crossed.

I've had my share of health issues throughout my life. I am learning to cope with them more calmly each time something new arises.  I have amazing family and friends who give me courage, love, support and prayers. Honestly, I can actually FEEL their prayers - and they really help.  I have the best husband in the world...I know there are women out there who would disagree, but Kevin is - hands-down - the best there is.  He's my rock.

Mostly, I have my faith.  I know - absolutely that God is with me.  He knows me by name and loves me without limits.  That knowledge is a gift and brings me more peace than anything else.  Knowing that I can turn to my Father-in-Heaven in prayer and He will hear and answer me is the greatest comfort in my life. The Prophet Joseph Smith said:   "Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for His arm to be revealed."

I know that I need to do everything I can or "all things that lie in my power" to get better.  But I also know that where my efforts fall short, I can trust my Heavenly Father to make up the difference - and He will!

The Book of Mormon tells of a people who were being severely persecuted.  Their only recourse was to turn to Heavenly Father in prayer.  He heard them and helped them:  "Yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord." *Mosiah 24:15*  

I know that the challenges we encounter in our lives are for us to learn and grow and develop into the sons and daughters of God that Heavenly Father wants us to be.  This health issue is another of those challenges.  He doesn't always remove the challenge when we ask, but sometimes eases the burden and helps us carry the load.

Health-wise, things in my life are a little uncertain. Still, I know that with faith, the universe will unfold as it should (to quote Mr. Spock).  In the meantime, life goes on and so will I.  

We'll be sure to keep y'all posted as we learn more. Keep the love and prayers coming.  They certainly help!