Dear Santa...

I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my children on demand, visited the pediatrician’s office more than the pediatrician, and sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases since I had to write this letter with my daughter's red crayon on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find any more free time in the next 18 years, so now without further delay…

Here are my Christmas wishes:

* I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any color except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy aisle in the grocery store.

* I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.

* If you're hauling big-ticket items this year, I'd like fingerprint-resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music, a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

* On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, “Yes, Mommy” to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.

* I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, 'Don't eat in the living room' and 'Take your hands off your sister,' because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog (sometimes).

If it's too late for you to bring me any of these items, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.
If you don't mind, I could also use a few miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? That would clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children into helping around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family.

Well, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing, and my daughter just caught a glimpse of my feet under the laundry room door. I think she wants his red crayon back. Have a safe trip Santa, and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and come in and dry off so you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table, but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours always with love and appreciation,

a Mom

P.S. One more thing . . . you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough to believe in Santa.