This past Sunday, Kevin and I were given the opportunity to speak in our Ward. I am posting my talk here, because in it, I spoke about my experiences this Summer and Fall; and what I learned from them. It was vastly life-changing to me, and I wanted to share it with you. Please understand that these are my thoughts and feelings. If they touch your heart and help you feel good; that's great. I am just sharing, not preaching.
In December of 2009, I had a consultation with the orthodontist about some of my teeth that had shifted position. That consultation led to a referral to an oral surgeon, which in turn led to a sleep study to re-evaluate my sleep apnea. In the end, it was determined that I had severe sleep apnea which was not being aided enough by the c-pap machine I used to breathe at night. The neurologist who read the results of the sleep study told me that it wasn’t a matter of if I had a stroke or a heart attack; but a matter of when I had a stroke or heart attack. This gave Kevin and me much to think about. We had watched my father linger for a year and a half after having a debilitating stroke that left him paralyzed down half his body. It was heart breaking to watch him suffer like that. I didn’t want to go that way, and I definitely didn’t want to put my family through it, either.
With the results of my sleep-study in hand, we returned to the oral surgeon. The solution that was presented was extreme and frightening. Extensive jaw surgery to open my airway and allow room for my tongue was the option presented. Frightening as this appeared to us at the time; it also felt like the right choice. The spirit was whispering that this was the course to take. As we contemplated our choices, I could see two possible futures stretching out before me. In one, I did nothing and took my chances that I could avoid a heart attack or stroke… that seemed to me like being an ostrich and burying my head in the sand to avoid seeing the danger approaching. In the other; I saw a time of trial and challenge as I underwent surgery, followed by the future I hoped to have. One where I grew old with Kevin, watched my children and grandchildren grow up, served missions with my sweetheart, and lived-out my life in the service of the Lord. I knew without a doubt, that the second future was the one I wanted – it was the right one for me!
Just a month prior to my surgery this May, I watched April General Conference. During the Saturday morning session, Elder Kent F. Richards of the Seventy gave an address that seemed directed specifically to me. His talk was entitled: “The Atonement Covers all Pain”. In this talk, Elder Richards says: “I have pondered about the purpose of pain. None of us is immune from experiencing pain. I have seen people cope with it very differently. Some turn away from God in anger, and others allow their suffering to bring them closer to God”. He also quotes 2 Nephi 9:21: “And he cometh into the world that he may save all men if they will hearken unto his voice; for behold, he suffereth the pains of all men, yea, the pains of every living creature, both men, women, and children, who belong to the family of Adam.”
He used this scripture to illustrate how we can become better acquainted with our Savior by enduring well, the pain and suffering we experience in our lives. I felt as if the Spirit was testifying to me that my upcoming surgery was an opportunity for me to become better acquainted with my Savior – for me to become more like Him. Elder Richards also quoted Elder Orson F. Whitney, who wrote: “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. … It is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation that we gain the education that we come here to acquire”. This brought to my mind a song by Hillary Weeks, entitled “Prove Me”
“A fearless heart, unwavering faith, the kind of courage and conviction that it takes to leave your home behind or part the Red Sea. I wonder, did God plant that kind of strength in me. Just a seed now, but maybe it will grow… ‘Til prison walls crumble-down around me, and I’ve escaped unscathed from the lion’s den. When I have walked so far the handcart starts pushing me… until then…prove me
Centered on the wheel, like clay in Your hands, ready to be shaped and molded by Your plan. And if You’ll take this heart, willful as it seem, and through Your mercy refine me until I’m complete. Though I’m weak now, You can make me strong… ‘Til on a wall, arrows cannot harm me, until my faith leads me into a grove of trees. When every nail’s in place before the rains and floods come-down…until then…prove me.
I will step into the fire so Your love can purify me and I’ll stay until You say I am through. Wash away all the flaws and every earthly imperfection, until my will turns to you… Until I trust without hesitation, when humility has chased away the pride, until the day through Your grace I’m welcomed home…until then…Prove me!”
I thought this was my chance to learn and grow and take another big step toward becoming the daughter of God Heavenly Father wanted me to be. So I went to the hospital on May 16th with this prayer in my heart – “Heavenly Father, I know this is going to be a long, painful process. But I know that with Thy help, I can endure this and become who You want me to be. So, take me and teach me, I’m ready to learn.” I have to insert here, that when you pray, you need to be careful what you ask for. Because He listens, and He WILL give you what you ask for.
My surgery was scheduled to last approximately 7 hours. It took almost 12. They did ten separate procedures on me during that time. Because so much was being done in and around my throat, the first thing they did was put in a tracheostomy so I could breathe during and after surgery. We were told beforehand that this would be the simplest thing they did. Little did any of us know what complications would ensue from that “simple” procedure. Due to having the trache, I was kept in the Intensive Care Unit for most of my two week- recovery. Also due to the trache, I was not able to speak, so I had to rely on writing on a white board to communicate.My time in ICU seems like a bit of a blur, but some things really stand out in my memory. The nights were the worst. I would sleep for an hour or two, only to be awakened by the pain. Of course, I had to wait the appropriate length of time before I could receive any pain meds, so there was quite a bit of time spent in pain…without relief. During those times, I would ponder Elder Richard’s talk, and I would pray for comfort. I testify to you, that our Savior felt what I was feeling, and knew how to comfort me because I felt Him with me during those long, pain-filled nights. I testify that there IS a “balm in Gilead” and He is the “physician there”. One of the things that truly gave me comfort was being able to listen to General Conference on my MP3 player. During those long, dark nights, I would listen to the words of Heavenly Father’s chosen servants and find comfort and peace.
D&C 84: 88 reads:
I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.
When most of us think of Heavenly Father’s angels, we think in terms of Heavenly Beings from the other side of the veil. I know from my time in the hospital, that His angels come in many different forms and from BOTH sides of the veil. I had comfort and help from loved ones who have passed on. I also saw angels in the form of you, my Ward family; being there to bear me and my family up with your prayers and service. Trust me when I say that your prayers in behalf of another person are never wasted…and they really do help. Thank you for your love and service. They matter and they helped more than you will ever know. Other angels came in the form of nurses, doctors, and various staff at the hospital. They provided answers to my prayers in so many ways.
Twice, during my stay in ICU, the trache-tube got clogged. The first time, it was a bit scary, but they got it cleared fairly quickly. The next night was worse. The airway got clogged and closed off completely. There was no air coming in OR going out. I had been asleep and woke up choking for air. Thankfully, the respiratory therapist “had a feeling” something was wrong and stopped by my room unexpectedly. (I believe, with all my heart that he was listening to the Spirit) It took them an hour of intense effort to open it enough for me to get any measurable relief. During part of that time, as I struggled for air I wanted two things…I wanted Kevin, and I needed to pray. As soon as I had enough air to gasp my request, I asked them to call home and have Kevin come. Then I turned my efforts to praying for help. I didn’t get elaborate; I just kept it simple and asked for help to breathe. It would have been amazing if the clog had miraculously vanished and I could breathe freely. That didn’t happen, but what DID happen was a miracle to me. As the doctors manipulated the trache-tube, little bits of the clog would shift and I would get what I can only describe as little “sips” of air. It wasn’t much, but it was enough to keep me alive. Elder Dallin H. Oaks has taught: “Healing blessings come in many ways, each suited to our individual needs, as known to Him who loves us best. Sometimes a ‘healing’ cures our illness or lifts our burden. But sometimes we are ‘healed’ by being given strength or understanding or patience to bear the burdens placed upon us.”
My airway wasn’t miraculously cleared, but I was given enough relief to breathe even just a little and the ability to recognize the answer to my prayers when it came. When the crisis was over, Kevin gave me a beautiful Priesthood blessing. It was a very comforting experience, and brought me great peace.
If that had been the end of my experience, I would have thought…”Wow! Ok, that last part was REALLY scary, but it’s done and I learned to rely on the Lord and trust Him to help me.” Wouldn’t that be an appropriate finale? However, one thing I’ve learned during my life, and this time was no exception; is that we don’t get to say when the challenge or trial is over. It’s not our time-table, but Heavenly Father’s that matters. Apparently, although I thought I’d learned quite a bit and done some growing; Heavenly Father knew that I had more to learn and experience.
I had been home from the hospital for a few weeks when I started having a hard time breathing. Every test they ran showed nothing wrong, but I still couldn’t breathe. It felt like when my trachea had clogged in the hospital. One night during my personal prayers, after struggling for enough air just to get from the family room to my bedroom; I felt myself surrender to the Lord’s will. I said: “Heavenly Father, I don’t feel like it’s my time to die. I don’t feel as if You’ve been telling me it’s my time to go. I feel like I have so much more to accomplish on this earth. However, if it is my time, and You want me home; I’ll go. Not my will, but Thine be done.” The next morning, Kevin had to call the paramedics and I was taken to the Emergency Room via ambulance. The doctors were FINALLY able to discover what was wrong. When they were working so hard to clear the trache-tube during my first stay in the hospital, they damaged my airway. This allowed scar tissue to form and build up a blockage to my airway. That day, they performed surgery to stretch the scar-tissue out of the way and open my airway. This was a temporary fix, and the first of four more surgeries that I’ve had since the first one in May. Each time I had surgery; the scar-tissue would re-form and block my airway again. Needless to say, it’s been a challenging summer and fall for our family. We’re hoping that the surgery I had earlier this month will be the last. If it’s not, we’ll trust in the Lord and deal with whatever comes, when it comes. I’ve learned to rely on Heavenly Father and developed a willingness to accept whatever lessons He trusts me to learn from the challenges I encounter in my life. At one point, as I was being prepped for yet another surgery, I did what I always do at those times; I said a prayer. This time however, I said some words that I borrowed from the Hillary Week’s song I quoted earlier…
” I will step into the fire so Your love can purify me and I’ll stay until You say I am through. Wash away all my flaws and every earthly imperfection, until my will turns to you… Until I trust without hesitation, when humility has chased away the pride, until the day through Your grace I’m welcomed home…until then…Prove me!”
In that moment, I felt my will TRULY surrender to His and I realized that was what He wanted from me all along.
So over the course of the past few months, I’ve learned some things:
I’ve learned that having your jaws wired shut is an effective, if EXTREME weight-loss tool, and not one that I would recommend.
I’ve learned that I can survive on a lot less air than I ever imagined….
I’ve learned that we are never alone and that Heavenly Father sends His angels from both sides of the veil to buoy us up in our times of need.
I’ve learned that His angels can simply be neighbors and friends as well as beings from the other side of the veil.
I’ve had my testimony strengthened that Heavenly Father hears and answers EVERY prayer.
I’ve learned that Heavenly Father wants us to love and strengthen our families.
I’ve learned that Heavenly Father wants us to love and serve one another.
I’ve learned that doing what Heavenly Father wants is the MOST important thing in our lives.
Finally, I’ve had my testimony reaffirmed that Jesus lives and is our Savior. He is uniquely and perfectly qualified to succor us in our times of need. To quote another Hilary Weeks song…He Is:
“He is the first ray of sun to reach above the mountain. He’s a gentle ocean breeze on my face. He is raindrops moving slowly down my window. He’s a long deep breath at the end of the day.
He is a warm afternoon at the end of September. He’s a brilliant sunset sky. He is a silent snowfall and the deafening crash of thunder. He is endless stars on a cloudless night.
He is the laughter of children and the wonder in their eyes. On a distant rocky shore, He’s a clear and steady light.
He is wrinkled hands and tiny newborn fingers. He’s the beckon that calls you home. He is the sturdy staff that leads you to drink beside still waters. He’s the reason why the lilies grow.
He is a sermon on a mount. He is a widow and her mite. He is the blind man’s first glimpse of light. He is a garden and a prayer. He is two strangers on a hill. He is an empty tomb and the price that Heaven paid. He is our chance to try again.
He is open arms. He is a quiet invitation. He is hope when hope is gone. He is lasting peace and the answer we are seeking. He is the pathway home.
He is… Yes, He is….”
I testify to you that He is our Savior and Redeemer. He died to atone for our sins. He knows each of us by name and knows exactly how to bless and help us in our times of need. He is the Christ, the only begotten Son of God. He lives and because of Him we can return and live with our Father in Heaven again. Of this I testify in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen!!!
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