Finding Me...

 Who Am I?

I tried something new and it didn't work the way I planned. The way I planned... I was so disappointed. I cried in frustration and anger. I felt broken, lost, defective, and useless. I stood below, shaking my fist at Heaven – railing at the failure of my plan. My plan... totally forgetting that I am committed to living HIS plan. It didn't last long – this anger and frustration. For me, it rarely does. He is perfect and sees everything. I KNOW I need to trust that, but being a flawed and imperfect human; I lose sight of it occasionally. *sigh... I am beyond grateful for a patient, loving Father who waits for me to get it out of my system and come back around...then with a loving hand on my shoulder He guides me where I need to be.

It wasn't a total loss – as usual, Heavenly Father turns my failings into opportunities to teach me. This experience made me ponder about my relationship with Him. I began thinking of the people we read about in the scriptures. Suddenly I was seeing them in a new-personal way. As I thought about who I am, I could see me in their stories.

I am Ruth. In the early days of our marriage, I promised my husband that I would go with him where ever Heavenly Father took us. So I did - “...for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God...”

As life didn't follow the course I thought it would, I became Esther. In discovering how to follow the path Heavenly Father was leading me to, I learned to ask myself: “who knoweth whether thou art come to the kingdom for such a time as this?” The Lord has a purpose for me – trusting Him to show me that purpose is a life-long pursuit.

I am the woman with the issue of blood, reaching out to the Savior for healing – hoping...hoping...hoping...

I am Sarah, and Elizabeth feeling alone in my barrenness; longing for children who seem to never come. Feeling defective and less-than. Until God's mercy smiled upon me as it had them and I, like my scriptural-sisters, embraced the joy of motherhood.

I am the woman at the well, discovering the “gift of God” and Living Water. He who knows “all things that I ever did” and learning the answer to the question “...is not this the Christ?”

I am Peter – when I'm full of enthusiasm and the Spirit – ready to jump out of the boat and run on the water to Jesus. Then life gets “boisterous” and I get in over my head. Suddenly I'm crying out, “Lord, save me!” Always He stretches forth His hand and catches me in spite of my “little faith”

I'm Lehi and Sariah at the Tree of life, souls filled with “exceedingly great joy” and wanting to share it with loved ones. Standing bereft as beloved children “would not come...and partake...”.

I am Joseph, walking into what will soon be a sacred grove... Reading that story of a boy who was not much older than I, when I first read of him. He like I, “lacked wisdom”. He like I, found the faith to ask “the” question. For me, the seeds of my testimony were sown in the reading of Joseph and the answer to HIS prayer. “This is My Beloved Son. Hear. Hear Him!”

Even as I liken the scriptures to myself, I am making my own record. This is MY path – my unique journey. Heavenly Father knows what I need and how I must progress. So taking strength from my scriptural-friends and the lessons they teach me; I continue writing my story. Noting the times when I'm swamped with love and joy for God's grace and goodness to me. As well as the times when I feel desolate, down-trodden, put-upon and used up. Times when the only thing holding me up is the touch of the Master's hand, His love, His kindness, and His mercy. I think of the widow woman who by obeying the prophet Elijah one day, had enough food for days to come. It reminds me to trust that God's goodness can be enough to get me through today and tomorrow it will be enough again. It teaches me to trust that “Surely as I (God) have thought, so shall it come to pass...” Isaiah 14:24... He will never lead me astray.

I tried something new and it didn't work because I was following the wrong plan. I tried something new and failed, but not really. Because my loving Father took my hand and led me through a lesson that showed me a better glimpse of His plan. He showed me that He can teach me valuable truths and use me to bless others – even when I feel broken, lost, defective, and useless. Because to Him, I am none of those things. To Heavenly Father, I am like the Apostle John in the scriptures. I am “Beloved.”