Invisible no more...

I've debated with myself over whether or not to even write this particular blog. In the end, I've decided to go ahead and share something that's been somewhat of a journey in my life. This is personal, so if that kind of stuff makes you uncomfortable, I won't be offended if you stop reading now. Ok...*heaving a deep sigh* Here goes nothing...

Have you ever been invisible? Try being a hugely overweight person (actually, DON'T, but try to imagine it if you can). I wouldn't have described this condition as "invisible" but a friend of mine, who is on part of this journey with me, put it that way and it seemed to fit.

Invisible...yup, that was me. Three HUNDRED and fifty-six pounds of invisible. You get used to it, but never truly comfortable. It's hard. People look at you, but don't really see YOU. All they see is your size. Most never look past that, to the person within. Imagine having to worry about fitting in a seat on a ride at Disneyland. Or asking the Air-Hostess for a seat belt extender because the regular ones don't fit around you. Imagine losing 10 babies to miscarriage and wondering if your weight is to blame. (Yeah, I carried that albatross of guilt for awhile...) Imagine... Next time you see a really fat person, try seeing them with better eyes than you normally would. They'll appreciate it, believe me.

There are many reasons why people become overweight. Often to those who've never struggled with this issue, those reasons sound like feeble excuses for self-indulgence. They're not...well, maybe some are, but usually they're very valid reasons. Some are medical, some emotional, some genetic, and some true gluttony. Unfortunately, I'm afraid I can attribute some of my excess pounds to all of those reasons. Whatever the reasons, I found myself in the miserable condition of being "morbidly obese". "Morbidly"... that sounds scary. ...and it is. "Morbidly-obese" means that your fat condition can kill you.

This is what "morbidly-obese" looked like on me in April of this year. Not exactly flattering, huh? Was I concerned? You bet! Was my family concerned? Certainly! Was I thrilled being that size? Not at all. Unfortunately, I didn't know what to do about it. That sounds really stupid, but that was how I felt. I had tried so many different diets, weight-loss programs, fads, etc. You name it and I had probably tried it. Sometimes things worked for awhile and I'd lose 10, 20 lbs., sometimes more, but nothing that lasted. Each time something would happen to make me stop, and the weight would come back on. It seemed for awhile as if I would have to content myself with maintaining my weight. Which I had done for a couple of years. Most of all, I had to decide if I could live a happy, productive life even if I never lost the weight. I had to be ok with me as a person before I could fix me as a fat-person. I got to that point, and it was a very liberating feeling. When I was sure I was being the person my Heavenly Father wanted me to be, I knew I was ok... I'm still working to be that person, but I know I'm on the right path.

At times I contemplated stupid things like purging or starving myself, but common sense always prevailed (guess I'm too practical to be THAT stupid). Believe me when I say that I explored EVERY option, even surgical options. Nothing felt right. Now, in case you think I was sad and miserable about this, all the time, I wasn't. I kept most of my concerns and thoughts to myself, only sharing them with Kevin. Why just Kevin? Because through it all, he loved me for me...just as I was; tonnage and all. In moments of despair, I would ask him how he could love me when I looked as I did. His answer always gave me hope. He said: "Because I'm in love with YOU...the beautiful soul inside. That's what I see when I look at you." Believe me when I say that to be loved that way is a gift. Thank you, Kevin.

So, you say, "Annette, get on with it...why talk about this, now?". Well, I'm getting there. Bear with me a little longer, there is an end to this tale, I promise.

Over the years, I knew my family, immediate and extended, were concerned for me. They didn't approach me directly, but I heard the whispers. I knew they were well-meant, but it was painful to know I was the topic of hidden conversations. Most likely, it appeared that I was not as worried about my weight as I truly was. To me, it was private and deeply personal. Often painful, and not something I felt like sharing.

What changed for me? Last year I had a terrifying visit with my doctor. My blood-sugar was edging up to the high side of "normal". I completely freaked! In case some of you don't know, both my parents were diabetic; non-compliant diabetics. Non-compliant means that they didn't follow the nutritional guidelines for diabetics. Along with my siblings, I watched my parents eat themselves to death. They both died due to complications from diabetes. My Mom had one of her legs amputated before she passed away. Dad had a massive stroke that left him partially paralyzed and severely handicapped for the last year and a half of his life. Certainly, the conditions that led to those events could have been prevented through better diet and exercise. However, I'm not here to play "coulda-shoulda-woulda"...it happened. It was heart-breaking to watch, but it happened.

Having gone through all of those experiences and caring for my parents before, during, and after them; I was a changed person. I vowed that I would never do that to myself or my family. Now here I was, a year ago, facing that same long, painful, terrifying road. I immediately started looking for the exit-ramp!!! I was NOT going there!!! EVER!!!

Thankfully, we have a loving, merciful, Heavenly Father who hears and answers our prayers. He certainly heard and answered mine. In June, I got information on a new diet. One I hadn't tried, but my doctor had actually recommended to me. Problem was that he wanted to charge me $500.00 a-month for the treatment. I couldn't afford that, so I couldn't even consider it at that time. The bottom line is I found the same diet at an affordable price, and away I went.

That was five months and 77 pounds ago. SEVENTY-SEVEN?!?!?!?! That's a small person. That's like one of my daughters a year ago. I stepped on the scale this morning and couldn't believe my eyes. Wow! I feel great! I don't see it as much as Kevin does, but I feel it in how loose my clothes are, and how much more energy I have. Look at my latest picture...can YOU see a difference?



I'm not done losing, but I'm definitely on the right road. I look down this road and see a long, healthy future with me in it. I see me hiking to the cave on Mt. Timpanogos when I reach my goal weight. Probably next Spring, so any of you that want to join me will be more than welcome! We'll have a party at the end!! With good, healthy, yummy treats, I promise!!!

Until then, I'm still a work in progress. I'll keep you posted on how I'm doing. My heartfelt thanks go out to all those who have been on the latest stage of this journey with me. Marc and Debra have been my latest dieting-buddies, but that's THEIR story to tell. I especially owe my deepest thanks to Heavenly Father and my family. Kevin and my girls loved me as much at 356lbs as they will at my goal-weight. That means more to me than they will ever know. They have been my biggest cheering section. Their support has kept me going. This time, I'm losing weight for me, but also for my future with my family. I pray it's a long and happy one. Thanks for sticking with me. This is the end of my blog for today...but not the end of my story. Stick around for the updates.